Love Doctors
So I just got back from a salsa performance in Palm Springs and brought the usual suspects to read by the pool like Us Weekly and a book by Paolo Coelho seeing as he’s a life-changer. However, there’s another book I’m reading that was nowhere to be found, one that didn’t quite make the cut. It’s the type of book that’s meant to be read in the privacy of one’s own home, it’s… it’s… well, it’s a book by a Love Doctor.
It’s advice and tips from a Dr. of Love, a self-proclaimed (s)expert in relationships and having relations and relating to the opposite sex and what not. And so forth. These romance specialists seem to be increasing by the day too. Literally on every corner, they’re multiplying just like Priuses in Santa Monica.
Yeah, I’ve read a few. Don’t kid yourself though, the vast majority of the female population is reading right alongside me. Maybe theirs are discretely tucked away in the closet with the book jackets off so it’s harder to recognize them, (since Dr. Phil’s latest isn’t exactly coffee table material), but they’re around somewhere.
It’s amazing how quickly a new book can spread throughout the ‘lady community’ too. Like wildfire. And just by word of mouth alone. “You have to get it, Jessica positively swears by it…” We learn about the books and borrow them with whispers rather than screams though as they quietly make their way along the Female Underground Railroad. Everything happens behind closed doors, and the books are discussed in unofficial ‘book clubs’ that meet under the guise of “grabbing dinner” or “catching up on the phone”.
Some even end up turning into much more than books, but rather religions almost, complete with various sects branching off to form little cult-like followings. The “‘Why Men Marry Bitches’ Women” were actually recruiting me heavily at one point, and I have to say I did get a little carried away for a second.
I came to my senses though after I heard myself referring to the book as ‘The Bible’ and talking about living pre-bible or ‘P.B.’. (Even though I guess that could have been confusing since post-bible would also have been ‘P.B’, but whatever. I worked it out.)
I disassociated myself from them though when I realized I was being sacrilegious (I kinda need G-d in my corner right about now.) For a while though, that book was the center of advice for me. The Holy Grail of Dating. Men have their books and schools of thought too, even though women seem to be much more avid readers on the subject.
A couple of months ago, I was at The Edison with a couple girl friends when a guy wearing a cute hat came over and asked what the celebration was. I saw nothing out of the ordinary, but later, when my friend told him I’m currently in a ‘Dating Daze’, he ‘opened up the books’ for me and gave me a play-by-play about what was transpiring on his end.
He had previously been taught by none other than the ‘The Pick-Up Artist’ himself, and was now ‘giving back’ to his fellow man by schooling his friends on the method. And the teachings revolve around one idea and one idea only. In The Dating Game, the sole outcome is to score. Keep your eyes on the prize. Everything a guy says or does must relate back somehow.
It was no coincidence that this guy was wearing a hat, since it’s been proven that women find men with hats more interesting and attractive. It’s called ‘peacocking’, with the name taken from male peacocks that spread their feathers when trying to impress the females. Women are attracted to the flair. And The Peacock was doing everything he could that night to win the game.
Which is why he said that men should never start out with a pickup line like, “How are you?” or “Hi”, since they can be answered with one word and are way too boring. A question like his, “What’s the celebration?” requires more thought and investment on a girl’s part.
Since some guys had already come over first and were sitting down talking with us, The Peacock pretended he knew them and struck up a conversation, a strategy that served two purposes. One, he could distract the guys so they wouldn’t cock block, and two, us girls wouldn’t feel threatened by him since he’d already been ‘accepted’ by members of our group. Worked like a charm too, because my friend immediately introduced herself to him.
From afar, his friend had already picked one of my friends as his ‘target’, so everything that went down was related to his friend successfully picking her up. When The Peacock nonchalantly said, “You’re not USC fans, are you?” the whole purpose was to let us know that his friend went to UCLA law school so we’d be impressed by him.
When he told my friend that he liked her necklace, it was a way of making her feel confident and good about herself and more likely to be receptive to a move from his friend. He’d seen her touch her necklace when she said hi to him, which showed she subconsciously wanted people to notice and compliment it.
Apparently girls who take lots of pictures at clubs or bars want attention too, since the flash of the camera makes everyone look at them. And because I’m a tall girl and he wanted to help himself while helping others, he casually mentioned that his last girlfriend was 5′9″ to let me know that he liked tall women.
He called for a couple weeks after that night, but I just couldn’t get into it. He’d already spilled the beans, and everything he said or did seemed insincere and contrived. Took the fun out of everything.
It was so obvious that he wasn’t done playing either. He’d had some early wins up front and was now addicted to the game. And I understand it’s hard to quit when you’re ahead. Been there done that with Intellivision and Minesweeper myself, so who am I to judge? But with him honing his strategy to win even faster and making his ’scoring score’ as high as possible, I would have just been another notch on his belt. Not to mention a statistic.
Now listen up fellas, this move worked on 65% of the girls I tried it on…
I don’t have time to be part of someone else’s focus group right now; I’ve got my own research to do.
It was absolutely fascinating though, I must admit. Up to that point, I’ve only read dating books for women. This was my first time crossing over to the other side to see how they do. I was a little skeptical, but I’m also like that with our ‘how-to’ books. They can get a little pyramid scheme-esque to me at times.
And I’m not so sure it’s as simple as they make it out to be either. ‘Just do this and you’ll be all set!’ If it were really that easy, I’d have 10 husbands by now. Because I follow the rules when possible, even though they’re just so many to remember. Particularly in ‘The Rules’. That book is literally chock-full of them.
Out of all the books, I’d have to say ‘The Art of Seduction’ was my least favorite. It advocated fakeness and basically tricking your ’subject’ into liking you. You were supposed to “look at the person with no smile and a stabbing stare, then look down, then look back. Be nice at first, and once they’re into it, slowly start being mean so they become dependent on you and it’s easier to manipulate them.” Which is ridiculous. How is that fun? Or healthy. It’s easy for the books to get a little extremist. And extremist is never a good thing.
The logic behind reading the books is a little twisted too if you think about it:
I really really want to meet someone, so let me go home and read this book!
Kind of counter-intuitive, right? How many guys will you meet at home with your nose in a book? It’s like fake exercising, where you go to the gym but only spend five minutes on the treadmill and the rest in the sauna and Jacuzzi. “Oh, thanks, wish I could go out to dinner, but, gotta hit the gym!” as you shrug your shoulders. You feel like you’re being all good and ‘proactive’, but in reality you’re not accomplishing much.
Now I’m not opposed to having a couple rules that apply to both sexes. Some rules are necessary to prevent chaos from ensuing between the two parties. Rules like ‘please don’t talk about your ex too much’, (and basically anytime more than once constitutes ‘too much’.) We’ll always assume you’re still into him or her. We won’t want to hear you talk about them, but will still listen so we can compare ourselves to them. And that’s opening a can of worms. It’s usually best to let sleeping dogs lie. Some things are better left unsaid.
Which also pertains to certain embarrassing stories you might want to tell on the first couple of dates in the interest of keeping conversation flowing. If your story starts with, “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but…” you’re probably right. Save it.
I was with this guy on a date once who started with that very phrase and then proceeded to tell me a little story about how his mom had found something in his tighty whiteys when he was 13 and thought it was ‘ejaculashon‘ but it really wasn’t. He kept pronouncing it like that too, and after a while it didn’t matter if it was or wasn’t, I was utterly repulsed and disgusted.
I think he knew he was wrong too, but couldn’t stop for some reason, because he repeated the story a second time with that word rearing its ugly head throughout. I was like, “Uh, thanks, but I heard you the first time. Now if you’ll just excuse me, I simply must go to the ladies’ room. And throw up.”
I mean, I’m sorry, but why are you sharing? That has nothing to do with me. Same thing goes any ‘funny’ period stories you might have in the queue ladies. Men generally don’t seem to find them very humorous. Just not their kind of humor maybe. Those are ‘feminine issues’. Leave them out of it.
Apart from those basics though, I don’t think we need all those millions of books and mentors and rules and regulations. They can be beneficial in small doses, and there are epiphanies to be found in the good ones like Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You, but it’s important not to drive yourself crazy by becoming too reliant on them. Yes, nine times out of ten if he’s not calling you He’s Just Not That Into You, but every now and then there are extenuating circumstances.
The books can be helpful, kind of like a well-meaning older sister, but they simply can’t do the work for you. You have to make your own decisions and go with your gut. Blink and let your instincts guide you.
Because who’s to say that the Love Doctor ‘du jour’ is truly an expert? There’s no advisory board or exam he has to pass. No B.A. (or BS might be more appropriate) for Loveology or Sextology. No Love Colleges out there for him to get his degree from. Anyone can claim expert status.
We should be taking their advice with a grain of salt, and remember that their outlook and advice stems from their unique experience in life, not ours. And it’s not true in all cases by any means, but there is that stereotype out there about how ‘those who can’t, teach’.
I think the real experts are the couples who’ve been happily married for years and years. They’re the relationship alchemists that can turn a common union into a gold anniversary. Those are the brains we should be picking. When we learn how to drive a car, do we ask Experienced Car Driver Charlie or Bus Taker Brenda to teach us?
So my plan is to have a few favorites, glean what I can from them, and then be on my merry way. Maybe the workshops and classes are more beneficial than the books, but then again, I feel like we already take those, we just call them something different. ‘Life’.
When we’re learning how to drive, we can read all we want about the rules of the road and how to put the car in gear and signal and brake, but at some point we’re going to have to get behind the wheel and do the d*mn thing ourselves. Experience is the ultimate authority.
