Dating Daze

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I’m not talking about the musical group either, even though many of you probably don’t remember that band since it was before your time and you weren’t a child of the 80’s like me. Hence the title of my next post, “Why I Lie About My Age.”

But yes, the issue on the table today is actual men in the actual workplace. They’re there all right. In large quantities hopefully. Even if they’re in short supply though, I’m betting you probably like one of them thanks to the Proximity Rule (which apparently unbeknownst to me has been ruling my life for quite some time.) I never understood why I would consistently take a cursory glance around a new job/class/what-have-you, not see anyone I was thought was cute in the least, and then after a couple months, be all about one of them. Never failed. But then I learned psychologists have studied this phenomenon extensively and know that physical proximity, (like being neighbors or having frequent interactions with someone), is directly proportional to how attractive you think he is.

So it’s no wonder then that being office mates often leads to being “soulmates” (in quotations because that’s my attitude of the moment with respect to that word.) Just look at how much time people spend at work. Does the Proximity Rule explain why so many men run off with their secretaries? Because 5 days a week of Business Time naturally leads to ‘getting down to bi’ness’ Business Time?

There’s no denying that getting involved with a co-worker livens things up at least. Makes things exciting. I mean, I’m not exactly a ‘go get em up and at em oh just let me out the gate rip roaring’ type of employee. There’s a reason Office Space is one of my favorite movies. But give me a single love interest at work, and my interest in my craft is instantaneously renewed. Well, at least my interest in being at the location where my craft takes place. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

When I’ve taken a liking to a co-worker, I no longer play the fun hypothetical game “If I absolutely had to sleep with one of you to further the species…” in order to stay awake during meetings. Last week I amused myself for an entire hour!  Because it’s an important decision you know.

With an ‘employee of the month’ on the brain though, there’s no time for silly games when there are numerous fantasies to flesh out that could actually come true one day. He would come striding down the hall in the morning in a gray pinstripe suit, and the rest of my day was shot. One time I was sitting at my desk imagining an ‘internal meeting’ with my co-worker ‘du jour’, and he walked by and asked what I was thinking about. “Oh nothing special. Same ole, same ole. Never you mind.”

Because what can I say? Office sex is hot. Very hot. It’s an entire porn category unto itself for crying out loud. Right up there with MILFs. I think sex is one of the main reasons big business has flourished honestly. It’s positively titillating. (Sorry, just wanted to use that word.)

I actually got involved with a co-worker once. Okay, twice. Okay, FINE! thrice, but he was the most noteworthy one by far. He was kind of like a big deal at work. Like a boss. Like a lot of people’s boss. Uhhhh, like my boss. ;0) Well, my boss-ish, since what are titles anyway? Plus, he was a Senior Vice President, so who wasn’t ‘under him’ in some way? (Wasn’t even gonna go there, but it was just too easy. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?)

He was single though, just in case you got confused by his high-ranking position of power. Don’t you know me by now?!? I would never repeat the sins of my forefathers.

We did have issues though when he would try to pull rank outside the office. I would get mad and want to say, “You’re not the boss of me!” But then I would have had to clarify, “Well, not the boss of me when we’re not at work,” and by the time I’d acquiesced like that my point really wasn’t that powerful at all. Besides, it was just as fun to go along with him. “Yes, Mr. (Vice) President. Whatever you say. If that’s what the company needs…”

I was like his apprentice of sorts. His ‘fluffer’. (My friend used to use that term at work and I always thought she was referring to stroking our boss’ ego, but apparently a fluffer is an actual position to be held in the porn industry. Main job duty: To keep the male stars ‘ready to go’ between takes.) Oooohhhhkayyyy. I think I’ll stop complaining about my job now…

We had a lot of fun though, my V.P. and me, even though he was my vice president in more ways than one. The office was the overarching theme in the bedroom, and even while we conducted business from this remote location, we would use work jargon and corporate catch phrases whenever possible in the interest of professionalism.

“Do you need me to think outside the box on this project?” “Is my skill set adequate for the presentation?” “Are you okay with your current workload, or would more be better?”

Certain after-hours attire was requested when burning the midnight oil. Let’s just say props like ties and glasses were BIG. ‘Business juice’ flowed freely and Conference Room B and the supply closet were the pretend backdrops of choice. We definitely made work work for us.

I don’t mean to paint the picture as all rosy when dating a coworker though. There’s a definite downside to mixing business and pleasure. What if you do something really embarrassing? There’s nowhere to hide. You always have to face him the next day, unless you can TGIF. They say it can take anywhere from 3 to ‘an infinite number’ of business days to recover from an extremely embarassing incident too.

For example, before anything had started with my V.P., I was walking up the stairs in front of him and he goes, “Interesting.” Which I didn’t get at first, but then remembered I was wearing some Frankie B (too) low-rider jeans sans panties, since as you and I have already gone over I find them superfluous and often the root cause of murfs. A fact he seemed to find quite “interesting.”

Kind of embarrassing. But what really took the cake was when I saw him talking to the receptionist a couple weeks later and caught a glimpse of his D through the work pants. I decided to look further into the situation to see what I might be ‘working with’ in the future, since it sure beat looking at my spreadsheet. Undercover of course. Or so I thought, until he passed me in the hall later that day and whispered, “You can have what you were looking at earlier.”

Ay ay ay.

I feigned innocence and said I was just trying to see the picture on his building card, but who was I kidding? I guess those incidents were good in the long run though since they let him know I was interested. I guess? (Trying to look on the bright side of things here.)

When we started seeing each other, I was so happy I could (finally!) let up on the ‘constantly trying to look my best’ regime, a work-related activity that’s really not fun and takes an inordinate amount of energy but unfortunately remains a very necessary part of the whole ‘liking someone at work’ deal. It’s actually the main reason I would counsel someone against liking a co-worker. Forget the usual arguments people always come up with. How about, “You’re gonna get real tired real quick of having to get up at the crack of dawn day in and day out to put on your Vice President lipstick and wear your uncomfortable professional yet sexy Vice President outfit and pumps in the event you bump into him and it’s ‘Go Time’ and you have to execute on your Vice President strategies.” How ’bout that?

Because trying to look good at work is a full-time job in and of itself. Pimpin’ ain’t easy. There’s no downtime whatsoever. You essentially double your workload with your lil “looking good” side project , and since it’s more important, (obviously), it takes precedent over the others and you inevitably start falling behind.

Which everyone will notice and attribute to the new blossoming romance between you two. Since everybody knows. Oh, they know all right. Down to the interns they know. Often even before the two of you know they know. You guys might still be in the stage of deciding whether you like each other, but the company is way ahead of you and has already formed a consensus that you do. It impossible to stay ‘Secret Lovers’ for long, even if “that’s what you aaaaarrre, try so haaaaard to hide the way you feeeeel.”

All it takes is one person to notice that you used to stumble into work like, “Yeah, this how I look when I wake up, what?!?”, but you now breeze in with fresh makeup and hair down, and you guys will be the first topic for immediate discussion on everyone’s agenda. And if one errant wink is spotted? Forget it. The rumor that you two are an item will have spread far and wide by EOD PST. “You know, I have noticed quite a lot of off-site ‘business lunches’ now that you mention it. Who knows what they were really doing…”

Your business will be in the streets before you know it, put on blast via email blasts that go viral, via knowing looks anytime he’s in the vicinity of your desk, or via the grapevine or rumor mill, (terms which probably originated from job situations where people were gossiping while picking grapes or working at the mill btw.) Word gets around fast at the Jay Oh Bee.

Before I realized the impossibility of keeping a work relationship on the DL, I would try to keep it confidential proprietary info that just him and I were privy to.

“Listen, we are STRICTLY BUSINESS at work. You do NOT know me like that at the office, got it?”

I felt it important to be that adamant, because even in this day and age, you know how things are. He would get praised for ‘making a sale’ or ‘acquiring a new client’, while my recognition would come in the form of a “fourth flo’ hoe ‘working girl’ ” invisible Scarlet Letter/ nametag. And warning ladies: It’s extremely hard to recoup your market value once it’s been brought down like that.

Girls can be really catty and competitive when dealing with men and office politics too. (Well, any type of politics actually. Yes, Hillary, talking to you! Can you just let my man have the nomination already? Por dios.) One time at my old work this girl walked by my desk and said, “Going for the slutty look today, are we?” I didn’t respond since her comment was so absurdly rude it was comical, but luckily The Lorax got her back soon thereafter. She had printed out an excessive amount of papers and someone left a note on her desk, “F*ck you. Love, the Lorax.” ;0) Good one, Lorax. She shouldn’t be allowed to get away with that offensive behavior.

To be fair though, women aren’t the only ones acting out at work. I’ve seen many a man try and fulfill his polygyny fantasies and acquire a ‘work wife’ on the clock. A ‘work wife’, in case you’re not up on the terminology, is like a surrogate stand-in spouse that a man has an emotional affair with and tells things he doesn’t tell the actual. He’ll have a deep connection with this woman, but totally compartmentalize his two ’significant others’ and rationalize the whole situation in his mind. Since nothing physical is happening with his fake wife, he’s not cheating or ‘doing anything bad’.

I come across this phenomenon more than your average Gal Friday too, since I’m in the Internet biznass and most computer guys are already accustomed to living a Second Life and having multiple social networking personas where they concoct fake girlfriends and wives left and right. What’s one more? Old hat to them.

Not to knock computer guys though, I actually much prefer them to guys like Rick who ‘worked in finance’ that I met a couple of weeks ago and …. zzzzzz. Sorry, that story’s so boring I can’t even finish it. ‘Rick from finance’ conducted audits for a living. Can you imagine? Makes fluffing sound like not the worst job on the planet. At least you’d be working with people…

Married men toiling the workspace looking for a work wife get old really quickly though. I mean, I understand that back in the day men used ‘husbandry’ as a means of survival and it was okay, but times have changed. Doesn’t fly anymore.

However, those men are positively child’s play compared to their counterparts who try to hide their marital/girlfriend-al status at work and act just free as can be. These guys will flirt big time and totally lead you on by coming this close to asking you out, but when the time comes to actually make a move, they’ll suddenly balk and stop short. I have no words for these men.

Who knows why they do it either? Are they trying to prove to themselves they’ve still ‘got it’? Is it just a matter of them wanting what they can’t have? Or, as my experience would indicate, are they scared because they’re about to get married in a couple months? A glorious celebratory event that somehow failed to come up in our many conversations and which I only learned about secondhand after wasting precious time I’ll never get back trying to figure out why he wouldn’t seal the deal. “Because he’s got a fiancée, that’s why?!” never crossed my mind either for some reason. Go figure.

I got really mad when I found out too. Who did he think I was? Some substitute girl to keep on hand in case things went awry with the wedding? He saw nothing wrong with starting a brand new flirty friendship and furiously IM’ing me when he was getting hitched in two months? So so rude. The last thing I need is a new penpal.

So I decided to call him on it. He IM’ed me within the hour I found out, (as I knew he would), and asked what kind of tea he should get from the kitchen. I replied with, “Hmmm, unsure, please ask fiancée.”

Yeah mister. Please consult your fiancée on this matter and leave me the eff alone. He responded by instantly changing his IM status to ‘Away’ (as I knew he would.) Did you honestly expect anything more?

When he finally broke the silence a couple weeks later, I decided to let him have it and tell him exactly how inappropriate his behavior was. He claimed she just never came up, but come on. How could she have not come up once during the countless debriefings he insisted on holding each day? I swear I even remember hearing a reference to a ‘roommate’ once, I really do.

It was a little hard for me to drill into him as much as I would have liked though because there was technically no lie on his part. Yes, he made a large insinuation in the opposite direction of the truth, but does that constitute a lie per se? Objectionable in a court of law.

I’ve since come to the conclusion that he just got greedy and couldn’t stop playing The Dating Game even though he wasn’t ‘eligible’ anymore. I guess it’s still fun to play poker with fake chips for some people.

I decided not to let him ruin it though for all the shy guys out there who find it hard to talk to girls and use platforms like instant messaging to ask girls out. I just wouldn’t feel right taking IM away from them.

They need it. They’ve found ingenious ways of responding back if you reject them over IM to make it sound like they weren’t even asking you out in the first place. Maybe because they have the time to carefully craft their responses? You won’t get a spur-of-the-moment comment like, “I wasn’t trying to talk to you anyway!” that guys on street corners say when you walk by them and don’t respond to their catcalls. Over the computer, you’ll see something like, “I’m sorry you got the wrong impression, but I was actually just trying to network and make contacts.”

It’s a whole ritual actually, and if he’s a nice guy you then allow him to save face and act stupid with something like, “Oh silly me! Wherever could I have gotten that idea? Sorry about that. What a humorous mix-up!”

Despite all the let’s call them ‘nuances’ of dating a co-worker though, I still don’t think it deserves such a bad rap. All the negative press surrounding the practice seems a tad unwarranted to be perfectly honest. Why’s everybody gotta be haters? Yes, there are a few extra risks. But people take risks every time they start a relationship. Love is always TBD. Work is a perfectly acceptable place to meet someone, and actually the most viable and perfect place ever when you really think about it.

You get to see who the guy truly is, since he can’t hide behind a ‘fake first date face’ every single day. Is he micro-managy? Cutthroat? (You should capture and review data points like these very carefully too, since how people do anything is how they do everything.)

From your R&D, you can piece together a comprehensive history of him that would have otherwise taken months to formulate had you just been casually seeing him once or twice a week. And the results of your risk/ben analysis will help you determine the probability of a smooth transition from cube mates to just mates. Work is like your trial period to test him out. Use it to decrease your likelihood of getting a lemon.

Meeting guys at work helps with a healthy work/life balance too, since you’re killing two birds with one stone. Even though I find that term to be a farce personally, since it basically implies that work isn’t life. Do we not work 40 hours a week? How is that time not ‘life’?

Work is life, that’s all there is to it. A big part of it too. We’re old now. There’s no college to socialize in any more. Work is the new school. And no adult should be left behind. It’s where we’re physically present the majority of the time we’re awake, and that’s without even including office parties and happy hours.

Why not take advantage? Why should we be stuck in the boring accounting and HR departments while our romance department remains consistently understaffed?

If there’s real potential there, I say go for it. You never know, the ‘Jim Halpert to your Pam Beasley’ could be right under your nose the whole time.

This entry was posted Sunday, May 4th, 2008 at 1:37 am and is filed under Relationship Advice, Office Romance. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.