Dating Daze

I was thumbing through the special edition of ‘The Rules’ that’s tailored specifically to Persian men the other day at the bookstore. Yeah, you know how they have Chicken Soup For ‘Every Type of Person Under the Sun’s’ Soul? They’ve started doing the same thing with ‘The Rules’.

In the interest of saving you a trip to Borders, here are some of the most important ones Persian men absolutely must adhere to:

Rule #1
Female family members have every right to find a woman for you, provided they know her very well, (i.e. sitting next to her for five minutes in a temple.)

Get a thumbs up from them before starting anything. They’ve made your saffron rice and kebab all these years; it’s the least you can do. It won’t really matter if you like your wife anyway as your house will always be filled with 30-40 Persians at any given time and you two will never be alone. Besides, there are always prostitutes.

Rule #2
Sleep around with as many women as possible, but when it comes time to marry, find a ‘virgin’. This means women who have never had sex as well as those who’ve had the most commonly performed surgery in Beverly Hills (getting the hymen sewn back up.) Good as new!

She must be Persian too (goes without saying.)

Rule #3
Introduce yourself by your God-given name (i.e. Arash, David or Ari.) Babaks should call themselves Bobby though.

Rule #4
Surround yourself with as many shiny, expensive things as possible at all times to attract women. This includes diamond watches, pinky rings and fancy cars (which you can rent for dates if necessary. Beverly Hills Luxury Rentals has specials for this very purpose. Trying to milk the high demand I guess.)

Open up those top buttons on your shirts as well. Hair is flair too, and Lord knows you’re packing in that department. Although it is bizarre how the hair consistently migrates from your head to the rest of the body…

Rule #5
Frequent the Hollywood clubs. You’re in your element when on Sunset or Hollywood Blvd. It’s where you shine (and I mean you, not your jewelry.) They have everything you need: non-Persian girls you can ‘practice’ on, easy accessibility from Beverly Hills, Westwood and the Valley (and by Valley I mean Sherman Oaks), and it doesn’t look weird when you come in with your designer jeans and mantourage you carry with you everywhere you go.

Rule #6
The absolute minimum of cologne bottles you must have in your bathroom is 30-40. No exceptions.

Rule #7
Learn the art of getting your point across not by what you actually say at a normal level, but by the things you mumble under your breath afterward. That way it you can deny saying anything if anyone ever dares calls you out. “Naw bro, wasn’t me.”

Rule #8
And finally, you may marry your cousins. Especially if you’re both Persian and Jewish. Because it sucks to be you.

As if the pool wasn’t small enough already, right? Who’s left really. You basically have to marry your cousin, or … you have to marry your cousin. If anyone gives you any trouble, direct them to CousinCouples.com and say that Americans practice ‘keeping it all in the family’ too. Act offended that kissing cousins have such a bad rap. If they persist, say she’s extremely distant or better yet, ‘twice removed’. Nobody really knows what that means anyway.

This entry was posted Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 at 5:59 pm and is filed under Persian Men. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.