Dating Daze

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We’ve all heard the stories about so-and-so’s brother who met the love of his life online and now lives happily ever after in eternal wedded bliss. My married friends in particular who’ve never had to do it love to tout the benefits of online dating to me. “C’mon Cherie, get with the times! Just look at my sister-in-law’s brother!”

Try as I might though, I’m just not much of a fan. Even though I haven’t really ‘tried’ that hard to be honest. I gave it a go when I was getting over a broken heart, so in all fairness my little foray into the world of computer love probably didn’t stand much of a chance. Not exactly the ideal circumstances for “Cherie Amour, a female from Los Angeles who was obsessed with sushi, salsa and Spanish (and apparently anything starting with the letter S)” to find the man of her dreams.

Which was unfortunate actually, because the virtual mediums are where I shine. Emailing, instant messaging, texting, you name it, I can e-flirt on it with the best of them.

This one time, (in band camp), this guy I was seeing pushed me up against the wall of his walk-in closet so we could do stuff. It was ridiculously hot. The next day we were going to a party and he text me, “What should I wear tonight?” I wrote back, “Well, everything in your closet looked pretty good to me.” ;0)

Which is definitely of a higher caliber than when I saw my cute neighbor yesterday and responded to his, “So what do you think about this weather?” by staring at him with a smile on my face like a deaf mute. He finally had to say, “Nice, huh?” and I came back with the stunner, “Yeaahhhhh.” Not exactly shining Cherie. Not quite.

Which is why I thought giving it a whirl on the computer might be ideal. After meeting one too many crazies though, I threw in the towel. At first I amused myself when I was with them by mentally quoting Will Farrell in Old School after he shot himself with the sedative dart. “You’re craaaaaaazy. I like you man, but you’re craaaaaaazy.” But even that got old quickly. I needed more to survive dates like these.

First we had Lifts. I mean seriously. Nuff said.

Second on the tour came Coffee Bean. Coffee Bean wanted something “very serious and didn’t want to waste any time”, as he let me know two minutes into the date while holding my hand and staring deep into my eyes.

“Did I want something serious too?” Now what kind of question is that? Because it really depends on whether I want something serious with you. And the answer is almost definitely no, given your interrogation, but d*mn, at least give me the necessary time to study (you) before putting me to the test. Besides, it’s just cruel to take away the one ‘out’ every smart girl keeps in her back pocket. “Well, I just got out of a relationship, so…”

Why do you think he moved so fast? All that caffeine? Because he sure did love his coffee, that much I know. He took “grabbing a cup of coffee at Coffee Bean” to a whole new level. First we had coffee, walked a bit, and then he wanted to go back for a second cup. And then later a third. Three cups of coffee on one date. I think he might have a problem. That’s an awful lot of coffee. He didn’t even try to spice it up by throwing an Urth Café or Pete’s or Panini Garden in there. Strictly The Bean. Kind of makes you wonder what the sex would have been like, doesn’t it?

The third guy was the worst. Definitely not the charm. Number three was a cocky bastard who falsely advertised himself as someone online looking for ’something real’ but in reality just wanted random play. I guess I should have known from his answer to the ‘Interesting Facts About Yourself’ section of his profile. He wrote, “Come meet me, and I’ll show you an interesting ‘fact’.” Which I thought was just him being funny, but now I see it should have been a red flag.

Because when it came time for a face-to-face, he had conveniently ‘forgotten’ about our date, so why didn’t I just come over to his house to ‘watch a movie’ instead? Wow. Who has the audacity to ask for ‘delivery’ on the first date? That’s cutting some serious corners. Needless to say, it was a no-go. Not gon’ be able ta do it.

I see why he gets away with that behavior though. There’s very little accountability for one’s actions on the virtual playground. It’s really easy to get out of line online. And if there’s a glitch, all he has to do is clear his history and do another search until he finds a girl who’s down.

There are an awful lot of opportunities for damage control online too. Any guy can make himself look extremely attractive, even pseudo-perfect. All he needs is basic Photoshop and a couple generalizations about himself and he’s good to go. Us girls will do the rest and make up any qualities we’d like him to have. ;0)

The problem is that actions speak louder than words, but you can’t really see the actions online. Or the tone or expression of the voice. Or the female mannerisms, as I found out the hard way when I went on a date with this guy who was just great, except for the fact that he was blatantly homosexual. Other than that minor detail he was perfect though.

He was obsessed with figure skating, (hello…), but the real clincher came when he couldn’t stop talking about who The Bachelor was going to choose that night. Poor guy was on pins and needles waiting to find out. I couldn’t even hide my snicker when he starting talking about his ‘ex-girlfriend’. “Wow, she sounds really amazing… (and was she aware of the fact that you’re gay? Just curious.)”

I wanted to say something, it was so obvious. Call him out (of the closet) and let his cat out the bag. Of course I couldn’t though, because I’m sure he already knew but just couldn’t accept it yet. Plus, that’s a sensitive subject with every guy, let alone one who’s actually gay. It’s the one joke you can never, ever make. I tried once and said something about my ex-boyfriend putting in more face time in front of the mirror than I did, and he got so upset. “I’m not gay, Cherie.” Uh, I know that Silly, I sleep with you every night. I was in the wrong though. You just can’t question a man’s manhood. That’s just asking for trouble.

Yeah, Internet dates can be BAD. The kind of bad that makes you want to tunnel your way to freedom immediately, Shawshank Redemption style. Whatever it takes to get to freedom. My friend went on a date with a guy once that wore pants and long sleeves in the summer because “AIDS could be transmitted by mosquitos.” She said it was by sex and he said, “No, no, that’s just what they tell you.” She was like, “Ummm, no, that’s pretty much a fact.” He later proceeded to cheerfully slurp down his slurpee as they watched a horrifying movie about genocide.

You just can’t see those instant deal breakers on the net. There are certain visuals that get lost in the translation from virtual to actual. And the devil’s always in the details.

You don’t see the full extent that ‘High Pants’ hikes up his jeans. Or hear the hyena laugh of another (heeheehee!). Or see a third’s wide girl hips. (Which was a personal instant deal breaker for me, because I just couldn’t picture life with someone who was hippier than I was. I would constantly be jealous that he was more ta’ dao than me. Not fair.)

I know nobody’s perfect, but I do think those instant deal breakers are indicative of you two not being a match. Because if he was the right guy, you’d be saying, “Aww, just look how cute his heehee laugh is!” It would be a turn on instead of a turnoff.

It all boils down to chemistry. And computers just can’t sub-select for chemistry. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes when two people first meet. Those pheromones make or break us. It’s inexplicable, but either someone does it for you or he doesn’t. Not much you can do about it either. You can be strangely attracted to someone and just as quickly repulsed by another.

And when that electricity does strike, there’s no denying it. Maybe your chairs bump at work or he touches your waist in a certain way and all of a sudden you feel that spark. When my summer love hippie yoga teacher and I reached for the Soygurt at the Farmer’s Market at the same time and locked eyes, that was all it took.

Of course that one didn’t end particularly well, seeing as we didn’t exactly see eye-to-eye on a couple things, his Cuddle Parties being one of them. I thought he was kidding when he first brought them up, but unfortunately for me, they were a joke that’s not really supposed to be a joke.

He got really offended when I laughed about his parties where people who don’t know each other spoon and cuddle up into ‘puppy piles’. He was like, “You know Cherie, it’s a perfectly appropriate way to express affection.” ;0) I felt like a terrible person, but it was just too much. I went to Cal, I should be used to such things, but still. There’s limits.

So maybe online dating isn’t so bad after all. Maybe it’s actually good that the chemistry is taken out of the equation at first so people aren’t misled by false positives and can focus on compatibility and getting to know each other & stuff like that. I guess there are pros and cons to everything. Two sides to every story. And don’t get me wrong; I do believe that love at first (web)sight is entirely possible. This is Dating 2.0 people. The Internet can be a beautiful thing for those of us who don’t meet viable possibilities in our day-to-day.

Still, it’s not for me at this juncture though. I’m already attached at the hip to the computer as it is for work, writing and emails (not that you could tell from my email response time, but still.) Do I have to be online for love now too? And what if I become socially awkward in real life situations and forget how to act from all my constant computering? I’ve seen it happen before. I work in the Internets, remember? Technology can allow for miraculous things, no doubt, but for the time being, I’ll be offline if you need me.

This entry was posted Thursday, July 10th, 2008 at 11:18 pm and is filed under Online Dating, The Dating Game, Online Dating Sites, Dating sites. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.